INT. HOUSE - MORNING MEL GIBSON wakes up in an empty house. A picture shows a couple kids and a wife. And Mel wearing the garb of a Catholic priest. MEL GIBSON Hello and I am Bruce Willis. I am a farmer in... WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN No, no, no. You are Mel Gibson. MEL GIBSON I thought I was Bruce Willis. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN No. Bruce was busy. I had to settle for you. MEL GIBSON Oh. Ok. Hey, what's the great big surprise in this movie, by the way? Do I see dead people? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN No. You see aliens. The big surprise in this movie is, there is no surprise. AUDIENCE WHAT?! WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Just kidding. Wait until the end. You'll see. MEL GIBSON Hey, I think I hear something. Is that screaming? Is that a bird? I'm going to run down the stairs now. Mel runs down the stairs. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX I've fallen asleep wanking to porn. Hey, I think I hear something. Is that screaming? Is that a bird? I'm going to run down the stairs now. Phoenix runs down the stairs. SICK KID I see corn people. GIBSON'S OTHER KID He sees corn people. MEL GIBSON Those crazy kids have been in my field again. I'm calling the cops. Dramatic overhead shot shows that corn has been tramped down to say "Suzy Jenkins gives good head." INT. HOUSE - DAY OFFICER MAYBERRY Hello Father and I am an officer of the law in this area. I hear those kids have been in your field again Mel. Also, I kinda have the hots for you, but nothing will ever come of it. MEL GIBSON You got it. And I am quite irate. I know exactly who did it, even though I don't have any proof whatsoever. Please go arrest them. OFFICER MAYBERRY Ok, but first let's go look at your field, Father. MEL GIBSON I'm not a Father anymore. OFFICER MAYBERRY Your kids are dead? MEL GIBSON No. AUDIENCE Wait a minute. How are you a priest with kids? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN It's complicated. Just accept it. AUDIENCE Ok. Just make with the surprise and we'll be happy. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Oh, you'll be surprised alright. Muhahaha. AUDIENCE YAY! EXT. CORN FIELD - MOMENTS LATER MEL GIBSON There is no way a machine could ever do this. OFFICER MAYBERRY You're right, Father. I bet it's dark magic that these kids have called up playing Dungeons and Dragons. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT OTHER KID The water is contaminated. MEL GIBSON Are you an alien? OTHER KID No, but you're supposed to think I might be. MEL GIBSON Ok. Go back to bed. Hey! What's that! Aliens! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Let's kick their ass back to Mars! MEL GIBSON Just who the heck are you anyway? JOE QUEEN PHOENIX I'm your brother. MEL GIBSON Are you sure? You don't look anything like me. I think you're just a creepy guy who lives in the barn and molests my children while I'm out making baseball fields in the corn. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX That too. Ok, let's go get those aliens. We have to swear and act mad. MEL GIBSON Even though I'm not a priest anymore, I can't swear. Therefore, I have no idea how to act angry. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX No problem. MEL GIBSON POOP! THOSE FRICKING DARN ALIENS WERE SWINGING ON MY SWINGSET! I'M FRICKING GOING TO HARM THEIR REAR ENDS! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Time to call Officer Mayberry again. MEL GIBSON Ok. But just because she's a girl and my kids need a mom doesn't mean I'm going to have any interest in her. I am a priest, you know. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX I thought you weren't a priest anymore. MEL GIBSON I'm not. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Oh. INT. HOUSE - MORNING Officer Mayberry arrives. OFFICER MAYBERRY Why don't you go into town and forget that kids are vandalizing your property, Father. MEL GIBSON That is a wonderful idea. And don't call me Father. I hate God now. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN You're not supposed to tell them that yet. MEL GIBSON Oh. I forget. Why do I hate God again? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN I'm not telling yet. MEL GIBSON Right. INT. BOOKSTORE - AFTERNOON SICK KID Do you have a copy of the script? I've lost mine. CRAZY BOOKSTORE LADY You can have the director's copy. He's not using it. Last row, third shelf, fourth from the left. INT. DRUG STORE - MOMENTS LATER MEL GIBSON I need medicine for my sick kid. GROSSLY INCOMPETANT DRUGSTORE CLERK Who? MEL GIBSON My sick kid. GROSSLY INCOMPETANT DRUGSTORE CLERK I have no idea who you're talking about. MEL GIBSON My name is Mel Gibson and I need medicine. GROSSLY INCOMPETANT DRUGSTORE CLERK Can I see some I.D.? Mel whips out his Visa Check Card. GROSSLY INCOMPETANT DRUGSTORE CLERK OH! You. Sure. But before I give it to you, Father, I would like to make a confession. MEL GIBSON I don't believe in God anymore because my faith has been tested. GROSSLY INCOMPETANT DRUGSTORE CLERK Oh. Well anyway, I said "douche bag" this week and I feel really guilty about it. Also, I've been sneaking drugs from behind the counter. MEL GIBSON Say two Hail Marys and go for the conversion. INT. ARMY RECRUITING OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER CRAZY ARMY GUY I know what's going on. I know exactly what's going on. I tried to warn them. But they sent me out here to Buttfuck, PA. They said I was crazy. But I'm not crazy. I know what's going on. The Q is talkin' to me! The Q is talkin' to me! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Yeah. I don't think I want to join the army anymore. CRAZY ARMY GUY Hey, don't I know you? Weren't you on the ship too? CRAZY BIKER GUY appears out of thin air. CRAZY BIKER GUY I read the back story. He's the Happy Gilmore of minor league baseball. CRAZY ARMY GUY I saw you on the ship too! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX I'm going to go have pizza now. INT. PIZZA SHOP - MOMENTS LATER WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Look! I've put myself in the movie! OTHER KID Daddy, isn't that the guy who killed Mommy? MEL GIBSON I have never seen that gentleman before in my life. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX What? No, That's the guy who... MEL GIBSON Shut up! WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN SHHHHH! You'll ruin it! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Right, right. Sorry. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT OFFICER MAYBERRY Hello, Father. I see you're a priest again. MEL GIBSON Yes. Yes, I am. OFFICER MAYBERRY Oh wait, no you're not. This is a flashback. MEL GIBSON Yes. Yes it is. OFFICER MAYBERRY Your wife's dead. The alien killed her. But I can't tell you that yet. This scene is very short. MEL GIBSON No problem. I'll have this flashback again later. AUDIENCE What just happened? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Just wait. This is going to be great! AUDIENCE Ok. INT. HOUSE - DAY The phone rings. MEL GIBSON Hello? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Dial toooooooooone. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Who was that? MEL GIBSON I have no idea. I'm going to go visit that alien. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Don't you mean the guy who... MEL GIBSON Shut up! WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN SHHHHH! You'll ruin it! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Right, right. Sorry. EXT. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER MEL GIBSON I must say, you are very believable as a veterinarian of Arabic descent here in Buttfuck, PA where everyone else is white. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN I thought so. I got the idea from this movie about this doctor who travels to California to be a plastic surgeon. There's this one part in the movie where this woman comes out of the lake, and she's totally naked. MEL GIBSON What? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Never mind. Listen, I'm sorry I killed your wife. Shit happens. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX HA! I knew it! WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Yeah. Surprise. MEL GIBSON You killed my wife? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN It's OK Mel, we can tell them now. MEL GIBSON Oh. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Anyway, I'm going to go hit the lake. There's a big beach party going on. Don't tell the aliens. MEL GIBSON Ok. I'm going to go snoop around in your house. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Cool. I keep all my porn in the sock drawer. Stay away from the alien in the pantry though. They don't have opposable thumbs, so they can't open doors. Either that, or they're allergic to wood. I haven't decided which yet. I'll call you from the lake. MEL GIBSON Sounds good. INT. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN'S HOUSE - EVENING MEL GIBSON Hey look. Here's the porn, just like he said. ALIEN Would you like an anal probe? MEL GIBSON What? NO! What is it with you people? INT. HOUSE - LATER JOE QUEEN PHOENIX What did the alien want? MEL GIBSON He wanted to give me an anal probe. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Oh! Did you get one? Those are great. MEL GIBSON What? No! What kind of freak are you? Do I really let you take care of my children? JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Oh come on. You can tell me. MEL GIBSON Well. Ok. Yeah. I did. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Mel, Joe Queen, Sick Kid, and Other Kid are watching TV. OTHER KID I'm going to fall asleep now. MEL GIBSON Are you an alien? OTHER KID Nooooo... SICK KID I'm going to fall asleep now too. MEL GIBSON Ok. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Hey Mel, what do you think about all this alien stuff? MEL GIBSON There are three kinds of people in this world. There are the ones that can count, and there are the ones that can't. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX What? MEL GIBSON Wait, that's not right. There are two kinds of people in this world. There are the ones that see the glass half empty. The other ones think the water is contaminated. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX What? I'm not following. AUDIENCE Neither are we. MEL GIBSON Let me put it another way. There are two kinds of priests in this world. Ones that hump alter boys, and ones that have wives and kids. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX What does that have to do with aliens? MEL GIBSON Ok, ok, hang on. I can do this. There are two kinds of people in this world. Ones that like their scotch on the rocks, and ones that like it straight. Mel drains a glass full of scotch, no ice. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Are you drunk? MEL GIBSON No. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Yes you are. MEL GIBSON No I'm not. I'm a priest. Would I lie? JOE QUEEN PHOENIX I thought you weren't a priest anymore. MEL GIBSON Oh. Wait! No, I am a priest. This is another flashback. Mel Gibson waves a hand. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX You are a priest. This is a flashback. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN I'm trying to make a very important point here. MEL GIBSON What is it? AUDIENCE Yeah! What is it? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN I have no idea. Look! An alien! AUDIENCE AHHHHH! WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Suckers. AUDIENCE What? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Nothing. INT. HOUSE - EVENING JOE QUEEN PHOENIX It has been confirmed that the aliens have landed. MEL GIBSON Who's hungry? AUDIENCE Us! It's been, like, four hours already! MEL GIBSON We're making EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! AUDIENCE YAY! INT. HOUSE - LATER Dishes are piled up everywhere. The table is covered in food. SICK KID I'm not hungry. And I hate you. OTHER KID Me too. MEL GIBSON Are you an alien? OTHER KID I just might be! Shh. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Shh! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX The aliens are going to invade the house! MEL GIBSON Quick! Nail up wood everywhere! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX But we don't have much wood! MEL GIBSON That's ok! It only takes one board per window. They're allergic to wood. I think. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX How lucky for us. THE ALIENS We're here! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Hey, I've got a question. If you've got ships that can turn invisible, why do you need to tromp down corn to know where to land? Don't you have GPS? And why are you invading Buttfuck, PA, when all of your other landing sites are near big cities? And why can't you open doors? WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN Look! An alien! AUDIENCE AHHHHH! MEL GIBSON Hide in the basement! INT. BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Is there any other way in here? MEL GIBSON I have no idea. I just bought this house last week. There is a knock at the door. ALIEN Candy gram! MEL GIBSON No thank you! ALIEN It's your grandma! MEL GIBSON I don't a grandma! ALIEN Package for Mr. Hassen mrrrphr... MEL GIBSON I've already got one! (to Joe Queen Phoenix) I told him I've already got one. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Good one. ALIEN I'm coming in through the handicap elevator! AUDIENCE AHHHHH! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Bags of feed will stop them! AUDIENCE Phew! INT. BASEMENT - THE NEXT MORNING ALIENS We've all gone home! MEL GIBSON What? What happened? JOE QUEEN PHOENIX We discovered their weakness. MEL GIBSON What was it? JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Chocolate. ALIEN FOOLED YOU! AUDIENCE AHHHH! JOE QUEEN PHOENIX I shall save the day with my trusty baseball bat! I shall beat you to death because no one else thought to do this and you are allergic to wood. ALIEN And water. That's why we didn't go to the party at the lake. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Well I'll be damned. MEL GIBSON Talking like that you will. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Are you a priest or not? MEL GIBSON I am now. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Are you sure this time? MEL GIBSON Yes. Look outside. It's snowing. That means I'm a priest again. JOE QUEEN PHOENIX Are you sure this isn't another flashback? MEL GIBSON Hell, I dunno. Ask the veterinarian. WRITER-DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHAYALMAN I'm not sure either. I forget. Oh well. Roll credits. AUDIENCE Now wait a damn minute... THE END